I’m single and I know it

I also like it.

I recently read a post on another blog (loved it, BTW) that got me thinking, contemplating, if you will, my solidified and veritably certified status as a very, very single girl.  Am I sad about this? No. In fact, as my friends have frequently pointed out I occasionally go out of my way to maintain this status. I have unbelievably high standards when it comes to my online gentleman callers (as I primarily partake in online dating since most of my time and energy is spent firmly entrenched behind a computer). I expect them to listen to the squiggly red lines that tell them words are spelled incorrectly, they should know the difference between there, their and they’re (not to mention to, two and too) and they should not post pictures of themselves posing in the bathroom taking a shirtless selfy.

Clearly I’m going to be an old maid.

On the odd occasion that I’m not trolling the net for non-ax murdering potential life mates, I’m not exactly killin’ it in meeting the gentlemen face to face. Not all of it is intentional though! I mean, sure I walk around with the biggest bitch-face expression known to humankind but that’s more to keep away the aforementioned ax murderers. It’s more that I am completely and utterly clueless when it comes to social cues and human emotions (aside from bitch, that one I’ve got down).

For instance, a few weeks ago I was at Starbucks performing a spoken word poem (Really? Fuck no. I was getting coffee!) and some rando sitting at the bar overheard me ask the barista for a sploosh of whipped cream in a separate cup for my horse (Really? Yeah, that one’s real.). His brilliant conversation starter was to ask, “Do you have a horse?” Friend 1 later told me that this was the first clue he was hitting on me: the lame attempt to start a conversation. I, of course, thought he was just one of those weird guys who are super friendly and will spark up a conversation with anyone given half the chance. Friend 2 says this is why I’m single…

flirting

My favorite remains the guy at the grocery store.  He was bagging the items and started asking me about mint jelly. Later, my mother told me (in between bursts of laughter) that the poor guy was hitting on me. Did I mention I was 15 at the time and shopping with my mother? I think she laughed so hard because she thought eventually I’d learn to recognize the signs and actually, maybe, possibly flirt back.

WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOM?

I think I might even be socially devolving. Two weeks ago Friend 2 had to tell me that a social situation we had just extricated ourselves from had been awkward. My response? “Really? I hadn’t noticed. What was awkward about it? Hold on, let me grab a pen and paper so I can jot this down for future reference.”

Now that I have that meme in my head I’m worried the next time I’m interested in a guy the only thing that will come to my mind is, “You’d make a good potato.”

If he responds with a similar potato comment I’m going to marry him so hard.

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10 thoughts on “I’m single and I know it

  1. “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find
    someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them
    and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss
    Don’t worry about it, the right guy will be all, “I love potatoes!” or something. Totally worth the wait.

    • I love that quote! I think I should print it out and frame it or something, it’s just so me! lol 😀

  2. My S/O cheated on the flirting thing. He started asking me lots of interested questions about my horse and horsey things. Like any equestrian, I will babble on about my horse for as long as someone lets me. It doesn’t even matter if I absolutely despise them. I just *can’t* not answer a horse question. It’s not fair.

    Of course there’s something about fact that I can go on about horses for hours without the apparent need to breathe that thankfully seems to deter most men who try to flit with me in this way. It’s what they get.

    On the other hand, if a random guy came up to me with a pretty horse and said: “Will you go out with me? I got you a present.” I would probably agree immediately. I think this might be a form of weird prostitution or something..

    • hahaha It’s so weird, I really don’t like talking about horses to non-horse people. I’m so used to having to dumb it down and explain everything that I got fed up and gave up a loooooong time ago. Of course, if a guy makes it past my initial defenses and makes it to the meet the horse stage, if he isn’t suitably impressed with the magnificence that is my horse, then he’s dead to me.

  3. Haha, oh, you’re not alone in the awkwardness. Though I’m awkward for different reasons (aromantic asexual). I don’t get the flirting so much (although maybe I just miss it, I don’t really know), but I do end up in a lot of weird conversations where people just assume that I either have a boyfriend/husband, or reference my potential “future” boyfriend/husband (usually coming from someone who is married telling me to “never get married” after they have a fight with their spouse), and I’m there going “I’m not actually interested in guys, or girls, so…” and one person I know does this on a regular basis and she KNOWS THAT I AM ACE *headdesk*

    So yeah, I have a lot of weird, awkward conversations re: relationships, especially with my family, as I haven’t quite figured out how to come out to my parents yet without them immediately being like “GET THEE TO A DOCTOR! YOU MUST HAVE HORMONE PROBLEMS!” (though I’m fairly certain my mom already thinks I might be gay, lol).

  4. Pingback: Internating and why I fail at it | Crazy with a Chance of Rain

  5. Pingback: Friends Should Want You To Be Happy, Right? Mine Want Me To Date… | Crazy with a Chance of Rain

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