Thou Shalt Not Fornicate

I was reading an article the other night. Something about it caught my eye, gosh I’m not quite sure what it was that made me read it but boy am I glad I did!

Das Article

The couple in this article “courted” for fourteen months, and have now been married for over two years! And yet, neither wants to have sex with each other…

I think these people may have found themselves the perfect beards in each other…

I’ve heard of the whole “no sex before marriage” thing but I don’t personally buy into it. I mean, who would buy a penis without test driving it first? -In this blatantly obvious metaphor, they pay the $100 (or whatever) and the marriage license is their post-purchase receipt.

Maybe it’s because I’m a devil-worshipping heathen (although, there is photographic evidence that I was baptised AND that I did NOT burst into flames. Unless that was an imposter baby in that freaky dress…)  or maybe I just wasn’t raised right. Either way, I’ve heard of this phenomena, I know it exists and I can understand why two people of similar religious beliefs might want to wait until after their nuptials in case some almighy omniscient being has them on Google Alert waiting to smite them down.

Coen Brothers interjection: “I smite. You smite. He smites. We done smote.”

I always imagined though, and maybe this is just me, that once the abstaining couple in question was properly married in the eyes of their Lord, they jumped each other and did it like bunnies for days. Is that not what the honeymoon is for? The couple gets to go away somewhere nice and their parents/cousins/friends/ministers don’t have to hear them obnoxiously sing The Lonely Island’s song “I Just Had Sex” over and over and over and over and over… not to mention all that moaning.

The article quotes the wife as saying “If it was holy before, it must be double-holy afterwards.” I’m concerned that she doesn’t really get the why of the no sex before marriage thing.

I did not realize that the Bible was outright against sex. Is there an eleventh commandment that only this couple is privy to?


“They don’t know when they’ll finally break the pledge, and they feel no pressure. After abstaining so long before marriage, “a few extra years is nothing,” says Darla.”

Um, I would think that by now the husband might be feeling some pressure… According to the article he currently relieves the pressure by eating an entire raw potato. Others usually do it by having sex. But a raw potato works too. Yup, I’m sure it feels about the same.

4 thoughts on “Thou Shalt Not Fornicate

    • *shudders* Perish the thought! I’m sure they keep quite the stock to prevent themselves from doing anything drastic.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s