Top 5 Ways to Interact With a 2 Year Old When You Hate Kids

Recently I found myself babysitting a 2.5 year old with a friend of mine, her sister’s daughter. This was actually ok because the kid is pretty cool, she knows where her spleen is. However, this night of mischief got me to thinking about the vast ways in which this could have sucked exponentially. So for those of you who find yourselves in similar situations but with less awesome kids, I’ve devised a list of things to do with the child to ease your pain.

5. Take the child to the park, watch her run around and play while enjoying a wonderful cup o’ joe on the bench and then get her all excited to run and throw it out in the trash can like 50 feet away. Because my friends, that is now 50 feet you don’t have to walk and 100 feet that she has to run and that will contribute to tiring her out. Always awesome. Plus there’ s just something so cool about someone who enjoys throwing out your garbage. And then of course when she slams it into the trash and turns to look at you, proud of a job well done, you fling your arms up and yell “Touchdown!” – which is always fun and never requires you to walk anywhere.

4. Using the kid to pick up guys – or freak them out, your choice. Step 1: Take the kid out in public.  Step 2: Find a dude to hit on/harrass.  Step 3: Send the kid over to the dude and have her say “Are you my new uncle? Do you want to be?” – this works best if the kid can wink.  Alternatively, if torture is your game, have the kid run up to the dude and scream, “DADDY! I’ve missed you!” Bonus points if he’s with a skanky girlfriend. You win if she dumps him then and there.

3. High fiving and fist-bumping. These activities are always classic. More so if you throw some cool shades and maybe some rocking bling on the kid first. Who doesn’t want to fist bump a ballin’ 2 year old pimp?

2. Coloring. Sure you may think you’re too old, too good for this tried and true passtime; however, I urge you to reconsider. It is awesome! And I’m not just saying that because I happened to have some of my own coloring books before this and take them out every so often to color in my blanket fort whilst enjoying a rum and coke. But with the 2 year old we just colored. Still awesome. And slightly less weird then an adult coloring by herself.

And finally, the number one thing to do with a two year old child! Drum roll please…

1. Teach the kid to walk around like a zombie and say “Bwains” – if they have a natural lisp, even better.


3 thoughts on “Top 5 Ways to Interact With a 2 Year Old When You Hate Kids

  1. So I ran into my cousin in law and “niece” and have offered her 20 bucks if she does the zombie thing where her mom can see it, at a play date or other place with friends
    or in public… although we are still hoping for her to do a thing at school during lunch with the “Soylent green is PEOPLE!!”

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