The New (And More Relevant) Roommate Application

  1. How fast can you run? (Because, if someone comes a callin with the intent to do some murdering, you really do want a slower roommate. They may not stop the murderer but they should be able to give you a head start by occupying the murderer’s attention for a few minutes while murdering them.)
  2. Are you willing to clean?
  3. Do you have any hot male friends around my age?
  4. Actually, age isn’t that important…
  5. Do you promise to only shoot/mace intruders? My cat and spiders don’t count – bullet holes are a pain in the ass to plaster over.
  6. Do you subscribe to the ‘no shoes, no shirt, no problem’ life philosophy? Because I do…
  7. Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Are you willing to share? Either the milkshake and/or the boys?
  8. Do you practice taxidermy and if so, are you willing to provide your own freezer?
  9. And possibly make me some freaky jewellery?
  10. Rate your love for the Gilmore Girls on a scale of 1-10.
  11. How’s your vocabulary? Please provide synonyms for the following:

Quandary

Cacophony

Trogolodyte

Perspicacious

If you don’t know what a synonym is then you need to put down the application and run in the opposite direction. Your kind is not welcome here.

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