But Why is the Cape Gone?

I ask you, why has this majestic thing of beauty been relegated to the tomes of history?

When did wearing a cape go out of fashion? Whose idea was this and are they still alive so they can be tarred and feathered? Probably not, but maybe they have a distant relative I can tar and feather? I’ll look into this and get back to you. What’s that annoying website with the commercials about family trees? -don’t answer that, I know what it is but I refuse to name it on my own blog based solely on the fact that it has annoyed me. All those people in their commercials, walking around all even-tempered, searching for long lost relatives and then getting mildly excited (not too much that you couldn’t still call them obscenely even-tempered) when they do discover someone. Obviously those people are heavily medicated.

When I was five, right before I was set to start kindergarten, I was obsessed with capes. I loved them and loved when they flew out behind the wearer. My cape wearing heroes were the embodiment of cool; nonchalant with a touch of sass. They always looked like they had an important secret, something that only they knew, and it made them special and important. To me, they shone with an inner light that I desperately coveted. I got it in my five year old brain that those awesome qualities stemmed directly from wearing a cape (a part of my twenty-seven (almost twenty-eight) year old brain still agrees).

Sooo, I tied a small blanket around my neck, perched about five or six steps up on the non-barricaded stairs leading to our second floor and there I sat, too afraid to jump. If you’ve watched How I Met Your Mother, this will be a familiar sight: 

Annnd that was pretty much me, except I was crouched on a step.

Enter my friend. His unique brand of moral support, namely pushing me off the step when he got tired of waiting for me to actually jump, led me to the person I am today.

No, not really.

But he did push me off the step. And, since I wasn’t at all prepared for it (and not at all because I’m a clumsy git) I landed funny and broke all five toes on my left foot. At least I think it was my left, I can’t remember. It was either that or the right foot. Definitely one or the other.

Of course, my parents didn’t believe I was legitimately injured and made me walk up the stairs on my broken toes. I think after I had been crying for a few hours they finally relented and took me to the hospital. Where I had a bright pink cast put on by what I like to think was a smokin’ hot doctor that I was way too young to appreciate. Then a day or two later, barely able to use crutches yet, my parents shipped me off to kindergarten.

The stairs were barricaded shortly after this momentous event.

Which leads me to my original question, why is the cape gone? Sure they’re a dangerous article of clothing, but an important one nonetheless. If it’s good enough for Darkwing Duck, it’s good enough for me. Let’s get dangerous.

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4 thoughts on “But Why is the Cape Gone?

    • Right?! That’s what I’m saying. Who was the complete fuck up who started this whole non-cape-wearing trend? I want names dammit!

  1. I joined a roller derby league a few months back. While deciding on my derby name I came up with one part and then added “capt’n” to it just so I could wear a cape 🙂

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