I remember the year the movie Fear came out on VHS. My friend and I rented it and watched it one night and we discussed skinny jeans – totally on topic. For some reason this stuck with me all these years and while I don’t remember most of the conversation, I do remember adamantly, nay, vehemently, denouncing the validity of the skinny jean as a viable fashion choice.
All y’all with real thighs know exactly what I’m talking about. The skinny jean is not our friend. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s our enemy. They’re cruel and unnecessary and only look good on a handful of people.
Eleven year old Megan had it right: They’re the devil and should have stayed the hell in the eighties (eleven year old Megan didn’t realize that the skinny jean wasn’t a new invention. She thought only bell bottoms with the circumference of Greenland existed prior to 1980.).
Unless you have the ideal body shape, the shape for which skinny jeans are specifically made (you lucky little mannequin, you), you may find you suffer from one of the follow skinny jean induced maladies:
- Magnified calves – whereby the skinny jean makes your calves look ten times larger than they really are. Caused by a muddying of proportions.
- Saggy bum – granted, this can happen to anyone in jeans but there’s something especially horrifying about a saggy ass when the jeans hug the rest of you.
- Care Bear legs – they’re chubby and short. Ain’t nobody ever accused a Care Bear of looking sexy.
You should not wear skinny jeans if
- You’re not closely related to a stick bug
- You’ve short, kinda chubby legs
- You’ve long, definitely chubby legs
- You have muscular calves (or fat calves)
- You have no ass
- Your ass is too big (which, judging by model proportions, is 99% of the population)
- You know what, just don’t wear ’em. Thank me later.
The only time it’s acceptable to wear skinny jeans:
- If they fit really, really well and you’re hiding your calves in a dark pair of deep, rich mahogany colored leather boots.
There’s a slight possibility that I’m imposing my completely rational hatred of skinny jeans upon the general population (or, like, the 6 people that read this blog).
ps. I also considered calling this blog “Egregious Exaggeration”