And it’s me!!!
Ok, so after I published this post, I went on CL and posted my own internating ad. I went to send the link to Mike a little later and couldn’t find my ad. So I logged into my account to see what the hell happened and what should I find? MY AD WAS FLAGGED FOR REMOVAL!!!
You have GOT to be kidding me!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been rejected from CRAIGSLIST.
Here’s the ad. I copied it from Mike and modified a few things – I was a little lazy. Ok, a lot lazy but really, who wants to put effort into a CL ad? Especially when you could get flagged for removal within hours of posting it, apparently.
Hi, my name is Megan and I thought I’d try something a little different in terms of internet dating (or, internating, if you will). First off, a little about me. I work full time and have a second part time job. I enjoy reading, watching movies, random adventures, horseback riding, pool, hiking — the list goes on, suffice it to say I’m usually up for anything provided I’ve the time and necessary funds. I’m sarcastic and blunt, straight forward and ambitious. I’m 5’8″, green eyes, brown hair (well it’s dyed red/auburn right now). I have a driver’s license, my own car, I live alone, D&D free.
And now for the questionnaire! 😉
Gender: Male (sorry but this is non negotiable)
Where are you from?
Where do you live now?
Highest level of education completed/currently working towards?
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Have you ever been married?
Do you have children?
Have you ever undergone Sexual Reassignment Surgery?
Are you currently taking any medications?
Do you partake of recreation drugs? Which ones and how often?
Do you smoke cigarettes/cigars?
How many drinks on average do you consume on a week night? Week end?
Does it take you longer than 20 minutes to get ready?
Do you live alone?
Do you have your own car/mode of transportation?
Have you ever had an STI?
Have you ever had an STI that can not be treated by a doctor?
What is your preferred method of communication: Texting? phone? email? social networks?
The following questions have multiple choice answers, please choose the one that best describes you. Please choose only one.
Why are you filling out this form?:
1: I want to ask you out. HA!
2: No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out
3: I don’t want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop
4: I’m putting in fake info to fuck with you
5: I’m horribly desperate for anything female, and you fit the bill
6: This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair
7: It’s either this or jail time
8: This is helping me stop masturbating so much
9: Because I’m bored and have nothing better to do
Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?:
1: Because I want to go on a date with you.
2: I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.
3: You seem interesting
4: I think you’d be fun to get drunk with
5: I want to end up in one of your stories
6: I feel strangely attracted to you
7: I hate myself
8: I’m one of those people who can’t divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me
9: I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self
10: I want to give my VD to someone else before I die
How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:
1: I’m not very attractive
2: I’m cute
3: I’m cute enough for you
4: I’m hot
5: If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed dudes, you’ll LOVE me
6: My mom says I’m a stud
7. I’m interesting looking
How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:
1: I can read enough to answer this
2: I’m average
3: I’m smart enough to get your stupid jokes
4: I’m a fucking genius
5: I can bend things with my mind
6: I’m dumber than a rat’s scrotum
7: I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!
How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:
1: I’m about average
2: I’m pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone
3: I’m very emotionally stable
4: I am a rock
5: I’m batshit crazy
6: I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out
7: The doctor says he can’t increase my prescriptions anymore or he’d get in trouble
8: Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts
What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:
1: My gorgeous eyes
2: My sharp wit
3: My compassionate nature
4: My incredible intelligence
5: My huge package
6: I have a flat, white boy ass
7: My matted pubic hair
8: My willingness to sit on my ass and do nothing
9: My artistic manscaping
What will I do when I see you?:
3: start jumping up and down yelling “UH, UH, UH”
4: pretend you’re not Megan
5: feign epilepsy
6: vomit uncontrollably
8: curse Photoshop
9: run like a track star
10: run like a crack fiend
What will my friends say when they see you?:
1: “Wow, Megan’s really lucky, that bitch.”
2: “He’s the hottest thing since nuclear fusion and too good for the likes of her.”
4: “Tonight’s forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate humping.”
6: “My Lord–he smells like a livestock trailer.”
7: “Is she fucking blind? Good lord she must be desperate.”
8: “Oh shit. . .somebody call 911.”
9: “He’s just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money he cost her.”
10: “He’s just a cheap hooker. I wonder how much smack he cost her.”
11: “A paper bag and duct tape solves a lot of problems”
12: “Look at him. . .did he just get released from a methadone clinic?”
Finish this sentence: “I like a woman that. . .
1: “respects me.”
2: “worships me.”
3: “makes me dinner.”
4: “likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye.”
5: “treats me like shit.” (be honest. . .)
6: “likes to hurt small animals.”
7: “has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison.”
8: “is uglier than me.”
9: “is dumber than me.”
10: “is high maintenance and spends all my money on shoes.”
11: “puts out.”
Some of your hobbies include. . . (multiple choice allowed)
2. Working out
3. Stealing candy from little kids
4. Heated arguments/tests of mental acuity
6. Kicking puppies
7. Going out to movies/concerts/events
8. Douching it up in Ed Hardy gear
9. Fighting crime while wearing a cape
10. Naughty fun times
11. . . .???
Along with this application kindly attach a recent picture.
Ugg, I need to update my OKC profile. “Most private thing you’re willing to admit: Craigslist rejected my dating ad.” FML.