At least in comparison to the following spectacle of awesome.
A friend of mine posted the following on craigslist (those of you who read Snarky Rider know exactly how I feel about CL LOL!) and I kind of feel like he’s doing the internating thing right – except for the fact that this on CL. I already know he got responses from porn sites. Although, I suppose it could have been worse 😉
Anywho, I figured I would answer the questionnaire as if I was actually replying to the ad of a CL stranger and further exemplify why I remain single (I have yet to find a man to whom I truly want to say, “You’d make a good potato.”). My responses are in bold and yes, I modified most of them to suit my particular needs).
my friend backed out of going to the Vancouver Canucks game tonight and now I find myself with a spare ticket which I thought might be a great way to meet someone new.
I should start with a little about me. My name is Michael, I am 28, stable job and home, 5’10, fit, active, dark hair, green eyes, drivers licence, D&D free, university educated, cynical, sarcastic, caustic, and just the right amount of awesome to not make others feel bad.
As for what it is I am looking for? Well that varies from person to person, I don’t have a type per se. In order to narrow it down a little I have attached a questionnaire that, should you decide you want to go to the hockey game tonight as well as dinner and drinks before or after, I will need you to fill out copy and paste and email back to me.
The hockey game starts at 7 so I understand this is short notice, should you decide you would like to get together another time, please feel free to fill out the questionnaire and submit it back to me and I will respond as soon as I can.
Phone #: 1-900-HMM-MMMM
Occupation: Office bitch and Coffee Overlord
Gender: Female (sorry but this is non negotiable)
Where are you from?
Where do you live now?
Highest level of education completed/currently working towards? Completed high school but have dropped out of college 5 times. The only post secondary I’ve completed was a writing mentoring program through UBC
Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Not yet.
Have you ever been married? Good god no.
Do you have children? NO!!!
Have you ever undergone Sexual Reassignment Surgery? Negative.
Are you currently taking any medications? Negatory.
Do you partake of recreation drugs? Which ones and how often? I bake brownies, “special” brownies, every couple years or so.
Do you smoke cigarettes/cigars? Not even a little. (I actually have another answer to this but my mommy reads my blog soooo… use your imagination and then make it extra dirty)
How many drinks on average do you consume on a week night? Week end? A glass of wine or a beer every other night (I’m averaging here). On the weekends it solely depends on what I’m doing – it ranges from none to “who drank all the fucking wine?”
Does it take you longer than 20 minutes to get ready? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “get ready”? That implies that the jeans and sweatshirt I’m already wearing aren’t good enough. I’m fucking adorable!
Do you live alone? Yes. Unless you count the 20 or so horses below me, the rats in the walls (I feel I must emphasize that the rats are in the wall and CANNOT get into the apartment!), and/or Stella the barn cat who visits when she feels like it and then leaves me rat innards on the ledge (honestly, I’ve no idea how she pulled that one off – or why…)
Have you ever had an STI? Nope
Have you ever had an STI that can not be treated by a doctor? See the aforementioned “nope”
Is your mother prone to mood swings / taking anti-depressants? She’s human, of course she’s prone to mood swings.
What is your preferred method of communication: Texting? phone? email? social networks? Carrier pigeon
The following questions have multiple choice answers, please choose the one that best describes you. Please choose only one.
Why are you filling out this form?:
1: I want to ask you out. HA!
2: No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out
3: I don’t want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop
4: I’m putting in fake info to fuck with you
5: I’m horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill
6: This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair
7: It’s either this or jail time
8: This is helping me stop masturbating so much
9: I hate your fucking guts
Megan response: I enjoy filling out forms. No really, I do. I also do crosswords. I’m 80. However, I do not like standardized responses and have acted accordingly. Enjoy.
Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?: (I selected two responses because I felt they went hand in hand)
1: Because I want to go on a date with you.
2: I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.
3: You seem interesting
4: I think you’d be fun to get drunk with
5: I want to end up in one of your stories
6: I feel strangely attracted to you
7: I hate myself
8: I’m one of those people who can’t divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me
9: I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self
10: I want to give my VD to someone else before I die
11: No, really, I enjoy having guys use me and treat me like shit
How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:
1: I’m not very attractive
2: I’m cute
3: I’m cute enough for you
4: I’m hot
5: If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed girls, you’ll LOVE me
6: I’m a butter face
7: I’m a Chicago girl (it means you have a hot face and a fat ass. . .and don’t email me pissed about this. You don’t think that 80% of cute women in Chicago fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in Chicago. If he’s honest, he’ll tell you the same thing. I blame the long winters. Why work out if bikini weather is only 4 months?)
8: Daddy says “I’m ‘this close’ to living in the yard!”
Megan response: I get told it’s a good thingy I’m pretty. Although it’s usually after I’ve said something particularly stupid. I wonder if there’s any correlation?
How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:
1: I can read enough to answer this
2: I’m average
3: I’m smart enough to get your stupid jokes
4: I’m a fucking genius!!!!!! (Yes, I added the exclamation points)
5: I can bend things with my mind
6: I’m dumber than week-old bat shit
7: I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!
How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:
1: I’m about average
2: I’m pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone
3: I’m very emotionally stable
4: I am a rock
5: I’m loonier than a shit-house rat
6: I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out
7: The doctor says he can’t increase my prescriptions anymore or he’d get in trouble
8: Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts
9: Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?
10: They mostly come at night. Mostly
11. (response created specifically for Megan) I have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old boy.
What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:
1: My beautiful eyes
2: My sharp wit
3: My compassionate nature
4: My incredible intelligence
5: My huge breasts
6: I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl
7: My cottage cheese thighs
8: My sphincter can break a beer bottle
9: My matted pubic hair
10: My charming autism
11: My willingness to use sex to get what I want
12: My perfect landing strip
Megan response: The massive growth out the side of my neck that may or may not be my dead Siamese twin.
What will I do when I see you?:
3: start jumping up and down yelling “UH, UH, UH”
4: pretend you’re not Michael
5: feign epilepsy
6: vomit uncontrollably
8: curse the anonymity of the Internet
9: run like a track star
10: run like a crack fiend
What will my friends say when they see you?:
1: “Wow, Michael’s really lucky. I wish I was him.”
2: “Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem–he’s getting laid tonight.”
3: “She’s the hottest thing since nuclear fusion.”
4: “Tonight’s forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate humping.” Megan added: *fingers crossed*
6: “My Lord–she smells like the fish market.”
7: “Well, she’s too ugly for him to date. . .$10 says he sleeps with her anyway.”
8: “I wouldn’t call her fat, but he’s gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this.”
9: “Oh shit. . .somebody call 911.”
10: “She’s just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him.”
11: “She’s just a cheap hooker. I wonder how much smack she cost him.”
12: “Should have been a blow job.”
13: “Her shade of lipstick looks like the color you’d find at the base of a penis.”
14: “Look at her. . .did she just get released from a methadone clinic?”
15: “Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake.”
I should compliment you by saying:
1: “You have incredible eyes.”
2: “That is the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”
3: “You are a very cool person.”
4: “You’re ugly, but you intrigue me.”
5: “If you didn’t have such fat legs, you could be a model.”
6: “You know, they can fix that. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock.”
7: “Good lord. . .was anyone else hurt in the accident?”
8: “That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes.”
9: “That’s the same perfume they put on my grandmother at her wake.”
10: “I’d club a baby seal to get a second date with you.” (PS. this is my new favorite compliment)
11: “You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too.”
12: “Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.”
Finish this sentence: “I like a man that. . .
1: respects me.”
2: worships me.”
3: deifies me.”
4: likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye.”
5: treats me like shit.” (be honest. . .)
6: likes to hurt small animals.”
7: has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison.”
8: is uglier than me.”
9: is uglier than Lyle Lovett.”
10: is dumber than me.”
11: won’t make fun of my club foot.”
Congratulations, you made it this far. I am impressed, if you are reading this you have already put up with a large amount of my shit.
Along with this application please attach a recent picture.
I hope to hear from you very soon.
Michael last name withheld for safety reasons.
Clearly I’m a fucking catch. Also, I’m planning on modifying this for myself and posting it on CL to see what kind of fishies I reel in. I’ll let ya know 😉