Let me preface this post by stating that I am not a lesbian. I’m very much a ‘to each their own’ type of person, and my ‘own’, in this case, are penises. What can I say? I’m a fan and so is my best friend. And yet lately it seems like just about everywhere we go we get mistaken for a couple.
A few months ago my friend was looking for a new bed and we happened to drive past a sign announcing that a mattress company was having a warehouse sale. SCORE! Obviously this was the work of divine providence. We stopped in so she could take a look around. The sales guy was nice and was asking questions to try to determine what would work best for her. But then he started asking me questions, which I deflected back to my friend. They found some beds for her to try and she lays down on one to test it out and the sales guy suggests I lay on the bed too to see how I like it.
Umm, s’cuse me? Why would it matter if I liked it?
Naturally I declined however, he kept trying to get me to try the beds with her until I just walked away.
Because, at the time, it hadn’t even occurred to me that he thought we were together, buying a bed for us. *facepalm*
It probably should have occurred to me seeing as before that we were out to get her a TV (her car is unreliable and small so, being the good friend that I am, I told her we could take my car if she bought me a coffee). Again, we’re in the store and the sales guy is being helpful and trying to help her decide on the model that best suits her needs. Then he turns around and asks what I think.
I think that I don’t care, it’s not my TV. Duh.
Then there’s the restaurants… About a month or so ago we were out for dinner in a large party and even though most of the people there were paying for themselves, for some reason the waitress brought our bills together, on the same cheque. I could understand if it had just been the two of us but we’re talking a party of almost twenty here! Isn’t it safer to assume people are separate? I’m fairly certain we didn’t hold hands or Lady and the Tramp any spaghetti, so what gives?
Last night we were at a pub, enjoying some beers and we opted to split a dessert. I don’t know about you but splitting dessert is something I frequently do with friends – half the calories, half the guilt and you still get to enjoy a tasty treat. Win/win. I guess at this point the waitress was feeling pretty certain that we were together because a few minutes later when we were talking about penises and ear fucking and how you’d need a micro penis for that and lots of lube (please, for the love of Cheesus, do not ask how we got on that weird topic) she whipped her head around and stared at us. I honestly thought she was going to weigh in on the conversation but she just turned back around after a moment and went about her business. We came to the logical conclusion that she thought we were more likely to talk about scissoring than penises. [Upon rereading this paragraph I find myself wondering if I’m being just a wee bit too brash. Aww fuck it. That’s how I roll.]
People! Just because two women go out together does not mean they’re in a relationship together. The following, does not a couple make.
- Eye contact while conversing
- Arriving/leaving together
- Laughing and having an awesomely good time
- Shopping together (for just about anything – I don’t want to say what the few exceptions are since my mom reads my blog…)
- Sharing dessert
- One person picking up the tab instead of splitting the bill
- The occasional boob fondle/nipple pinch
I reserve the right to amend and/or add to this list at any time.
I think I might need to get this shirt: