How to Make the Awkward Experience That is The Pap Smear Even More Awkward

It’s important to set the right mood.

Step 1: Pose lasciviously on the exam table while wearing your paper gown so that’s the first thing the doctor sees when she walks in. If she hangs and then slowly shakes her head and/or turns around and walks right back out of the room, well that’s mission accomplished right there.

Presuming your doctor has the fortitude of spirit to withstand your awkward posing that looks more like a suntanning walrus than Aphrodite… proceed to step 2.


Step 2: When she inevitably makes the minute amount of preliminary small talk that polite society requires prior to getting all up in your business, ie. “How’s your day going”, respond with, “It’s about to get a whole lot better.” And wink.  If you can. If you can’t, make that awkward almost wink face that resembles that of a stroke victim. S’all good.

Step 3: Be sure to make eye contact. A lot of eye contact. Demand eye contact. With your eyes.

Step 4: When your doctor packs up her equipment and says you can get off the table tell her “Well, that was fun” in a manner that causes her to pause for a second and forces her to ask if that comment was sarcastic.

Step 5: Prolong the experience by asking your doctor to also check your boobs for lumps in the following manner: “While you’ve got me good and nekkid, would you be so kind as to fondle my breasticles?”. Bonus points if, while she’s fondling, you tell her to at least buy you dinner first.

Always end on a positive note.

Step 6: When your doctor is finished and leaving the room, make sure to thank her and tell her you look forward to seeing her again soon. Real soon. Rawr.

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