You know how you get bored doing mundane things and you’re like, “Hey, I know! I’ll read a book! Problem solved!” But then you’re reading the book, having a grand old time, expecting violence and/or humor when BAM! Sex scene! And you look around you, take in your surroundings, and do a mighty facepalm because you are almost definitely not in the privacy of your bedroom. In my experience and vivid imagination, these are some of the most awkward places to read steamy sex scenes. Ignore the numbers, they’re just for show.
10. At the doctor’s office while sitting next to a sick little old lady. Come on! She’s probably someone’s grandmother! Have a little respect, you deviant!
9. On public transit while sitting next to a sketchy middle-aged man in sweats – don’t want him leering over your shoulder and getting any ideas. Or getting any closer to you than he already is…
8. While eating – try it. It may not sound too horrible but it’s just weird. It brings the fact that you’re reading about sex rather than having sex into much, MUCH sharper focus.
7. While pooping. ‘Nuff said.
6. While having mediocre to bad sex – because if you have to read an erotic scene to get through the act, you’re doing something wrong! Picture, if you will, whatever dude you’ve brought home for the night (because heaven forbid you’re in a relationship where poor quality sex is the norm) is grunting away on top of you and you’re having to stop him every minute or so to turn a page – thus prolonging your torture.
5. While out for your bi-annual family dinner with your parents because after two minutes and ordering all conversation ceases and you’re dying of boredom. Don’t read smut around your parents. It ain’t right.
4. While the damn cat insists on sitting in your lap between your torso and your book and demands affection and when you stop to turn a page the cat stands and kind of walks its front paws up your chest so they end up resting on your breasticles and then the cat starts kneading. At that point you just give up reading and pet the damn cat so that after a few minutes you can kick the cute furry bastard out of your apartment without feeling too guilty.
3. While at a charity function for sick kids. The distinction should be made, however, that reading erotica at a charity for anything to do with erectile dysfunction or anything in that region is just funny and should be encouraged. 😉 (Are there charity functions for erectile dysfunction?)
2. While at work. It’s almost as bad as your boss watching porn and accidentally forgetting his volume is turned WAY up (That actually happened to a friend of mine. She works in a law office. I laughed so hard!)
1. While on a bad date. You know when the dude is really boring so you whip out your phone pretending to read a text message but really you’re reading a page in on your Kindle app? Then if you blush or anything he just thinks you’re into him but really you’re superimposing the face of your current book boyfriend over that of the shmuck sitting across from you.
And as an added bonus: The BEST place to read an erotic scene.
Especially if you’re an exhibitionist… God’s watching you!