Why You Can’t Have My Firstborn

Whenever someone has threatened to take my firstborn child in the past, I welcomed it. Have the brat! Take it! I never really wanted kids anyway. Better you than me. Good riddance! *phew* Bullet. Dodged.

But then I had a thought.

If I go through all the trouble of having the child, decimating my vagina beyond all recognition, then I’m keeping that little bugger and turning it into the free labour it was meant to be.

Right Megan, because that worked out so well for your parents. Rather than a child, I was like the freeloading, mooch friend in a movie who begged to crash on the couch for a week and then never left.

Fear not! I’ve found a way to ensure this NEVER happens to anyone else.

Threaten to yell, at their sixteenth birthday or some other opportune, highly publicized moment, “YOU RUINED MY VAGINA!”

I feel this’ll be especially effective on males.

Not only will that ensure your spawns compliance, but I feel it’s the least the universe can do for you after ruining your vagina with a melon-headed child.

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