Like Riding a Bike

I saw a dude riding a bicycle today with a bag or groceries or whatever in one hand and texting with the other. He had no need for the handlebars. Handlebars are obsolete. He’s got this shit handled. And I thought damn, that guy can ride a bike. Like seriously, that’s talent. Now just imagine what would happen if he applied the same concentration and dedication it took him to get to that bike-master level to an actual skill he might be able to afford a car and not have to ride a bike everywhere.

When Multitasking Isn’t Such a Good Thing

You really don’t want to attempt to multitask while eating an ice cream cone. Eating an ice cream cone and a quick wardrobe change do not go hand in hand.

Here’s a tip, don’t do it. Just don’t.

Eat your ice cream then get undressed. It’s imperative you do it in this order. I can’t stress this enough. Ice cream THEN clothes.¬†It‚Äôll have you a lot of heartache and tears and messy, ice cream covered clothes which means it’ll save you from doing laundry. I can’t guarantee this, but there’s a significant probability it’ll also save you from falling on your ass. Or so I’ve heard.

This is How My Mind Works

I was peeing the other day, as I am wont to do. And I got to thinking about urine. Not the substance, but rather the word itself.

Urine.

It sounds a lot like “you’re in”.

This naturally lead me to recollect my pun wars with my friend regarding coffee.

“Thanks a latte.”

“I can’t espresso enough how badly I needed to tell you that.”

“Let me percolate on that.” etc.

So then I jumped to the idea of using “urine” in a pun battle. To which, I immediately came up with “urine for a surprise” to get the battle started. A first volley, if you will.

Thankfully before I could post this online for all to see, it occurred to me that that sentence could be taken as some sort of barter offer, “I’ll give you urine in exchange for a surprise” as opposed to the way I was meaning, “you’re in for a surprise.”

Let me be clear here, I do not want to give anyone my urine. Not even a doctor. Although my doctor is the only one I conceivably would give my urine to.

Hopefully that clears that up.

**

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Woosh

Hanky Panky Hair Toy

A lot of the time (ok, most of the time… ALRIGHT all the time) I get my inspiration for blog posts, story ideas, etc. from weird places. It isn’t often that I share an idea and not have someone respond with something along the lines of “how the hell did you come up with that?”. But I have never, I repeat,¬†never¬†looked at a sex toy and thought “hey, I’d like to put that in my hair!”.

Rev

Tell me, what does that look like to you? Take your time. Really think about it (although you probably won’t need to).

beads

Look! It even comes with it’s own protective glove. Wouldn’t want your hands sullied, no matter what you end up using this product for…

Rev1

I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, the product creation department is made up entirely of the most boring, vanilla people ever who didn’t realize what they were doing and/or the marketing team is hoping to diversify the company’s product offering and open up (ha ha) a whole new demographic.

The English Language is a Bitch

Chiefly because if you mess up just one letter in a word you can change the entire meaning. For example: Compliment vs. Complement

Compliment: (from dictionary.com) an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration.

Complement: (from dictionary.com) something that completes or makes perfect.

Where this distinction might be important? Your online dating profile.

“I’m looking for someone that compliments me, wants to have fun, likes that last minute decision to take off for the weekend, wants to go for a drive just for something to do.”

Hrmmm…

I mean, who doesn’t love receiving compliments? But it seems to me that 9.4/10 people are just NOT that honest and forthright in their profile. At least wait until you get to the signing of the contractual obligations part of your Fifty Shades-esque relationship before demanding hourly compliments.

Spelling and grammar: That shit’s important, y’all.

Did Feminism Even Happen?

I have read so many novels recently that feature a woman being stalked (or having their life threatened in some way) as a way of pushing the main character into the big, strong arms of a new man. Is this some deep seated female fantasy I’m unfamiliar with? Does every woman secretly want their life to be threatened so they can run to the rippling biceps of a man, all but breathily moaning “save me, big strong man, save me”.

I get the psychology behind the damsel-in-distress character. It allows for more tension to build and amps up the emotional ties between the main character and her dashing love interest. But honestly, it just feels lazy and way overdone. Not to mention just a wee bit insulting since apparently these authors think that all women are just helpless little waifs waiting to be lead around by an assertive caveman.

We need new ideas! Creativity! Isn’t that what writing is all about?

The kicker, of course, is that 99% of the authors of these books are WOMEN! WTF? Do they think so little of their own gender? -I suppose though, that if sales are any indication then they know a helluva lot more about what women crave than I do. This woman, however, desires independence and values self-sufficiency.

What is wrong with a competent, self-defense trained woman falling in love? Or at least enough lust to knock a few socks off?

That’s it, Tara, you’re getting your wish! I’m going to write a romance novel, Megan style. Be warned, the main character is going to be a bad ass female, probably on a motorcycle, and she’s going to rescue the dude. Fuck stereotypes and the weeping female they rode in on.¬†I want a heroine that kicks in the teeth of any would be stalker herself. I swear, in these books it’s like feminism never happened!

The Magic of the Text Emoticon

Ah the smiley face :), the winky face ;), the sticking-out-tongue face ūüėõ

Without them, WWIII would have undoubtedly started by now.

Their mere presence in a text conversation forgives a myriad of sins. One can be as blatantly bitchy as one wants as long as one of these all-powerful symbols is present.

Without emoticons:

Girl 1 to Girl 2: “I can’t believe you slept with him at his grandmother’s dog’s memorial service!¬†Zomg, you are like such an immortal, Godless, heathen of a slut.”

Girl 2 to Girl 1: “I was comforting him you psycho hose beast! Friendship over! Ima nuke yo house!”

With emoticons:

Girl 1 to Girl 2: “I can’t believe you slept with him at his grandmother’s dog’s memorial service!¬†Zomg, you are like such an immortal, Godless, heathen of a slut. ;)”

Girl 2 to Girl 1: “I knooowwwww. It was awkward. The picture of the dog stared at us the entire time. Oh well, how was your day?”

See what I mean?

Emoticons are kind of like a safety net. You can flirt shamelessly with a guy over text as long as you add the emoticon – otherwise he’ll try to use anything you say as a binding legal document.

Guy: “You see, Your Honor, there it is! In writing! She said she’d do this and this and she didn’t say she’d do this but she clearly implied it here. I mean, if she didn’t want any of this she would have used an emoticon, right?”

Girl: “Objection!”

Judge: “Overruled. It’s clear to me that certain acts of a sexual nature were discussed and agreed upon over text creating a binding textual agreement. Would the defendant please approach the bench.”

Girl walks up to the judge. Judge covers microphone. “You’re a naughty little minx, aren’t you?” and winks lasciviously.

Girl whips out her phone and texts the judge: “You’re a disgusting pig ūüėČ ” -the emoticon saving her from being in contempt of court.

I think it’s clear that the emoticon has become a pillar of our society. Without it we’d fall to social ruin. Praise the emoticon! Worship it for all its power and pray that it never forsakes us.

The New (And More Relevant) Roommate Application

  1. How fast can you run? (Because, if someone comes a callin with the intent to do some murdering, you really do want a slower roommate. They may not stop the murderer but they should be able to give you a head start by occupying the murderer’s attention for a few minutes while murdering them.)
  2. Are you willing to clean?
  3. Do you have any hot male friends around my age?
  4. Actually, age isn’t that important…
  5. Do you promise to only shoot/mace intruders? My cat and spiders don’t count – bullet holes are a pain in the ass to plaster over.
  6. Do you subscribe to the ‘no shoes, no shirt, no problem’ life philosophy? Because I do…
  7. Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Are you willing to share? Either the milkshake and/or the boys?
  8. Do you practice taxidermy and if so, are you willing to provide your own freezer?
  9. And possibly make me some freaky jewellery?
  10. Rate your love for the Gilmore Girls on a scale of 1-10.
  11. How’s your vocabulary? Please provide synonyms for the following:

Quandary

Cacophony

Trogolodyte

Perspicacious

If you don’t know what a synonym is then you need to put down the application and run in the opposite direction. Your kind is not welcome here.

What the? Oi.

stupid

Hmm yes, and perhaps the person who wrote this should get a fucking dictionary. I¬†am saying you’re a moron.

Children of the world! Listen to me! Pay attention in class! If nothing else it allows you to insult people properly. Imagine, if you will, a scenario in which you’re attempting to call someone a moron (not unlike the above ecard) and the next thing you know, they’re laughing at you! How could this be? What devilry is this? Witchcraft? Satanism? Naw, they just know what a frakking contraction is.

Not to mention that random capitalization doesn’t impress anyone. If you would like to emphasize a written word you can¬†bold or¬†underline that word.¬†Italics are also acceptable in some (not all) instances.

To whoever wrote that ecard: You sir, are a boob!