The Teenagers Made Me Do It

A friend of mine (not yours, mine!) sent this to me today and aside from it being utterly hilarious, it’s also painfully true – and well timed.

Adulting

About an hour before she sent it to me I was sitting outside a Starbucks with another friend, just lounging, enjoying an overpriced beverage and a patio, as I am wont to do. There we are just sitting there, discussing our RRSPs, mortgages and viable eggs… JUST KIDDING! On our agenda was custom made Star Wars dresses, internating and dubious decisions made whilst intoxicated. It was all well and good until four

teenagers

sat down at the table next to us while they waited for someone’s mother to pick them up.

Honestly I was doing my best to tune them out and apparently I was successful because as soon as they left my friend started talking about one of them who apparently has been with the love of her life for SIX WHOLE MONTHS (it’s super cereal guys) and he just got her a ring. Sighhhhh. Drool. Stabs BFF/Bestie out of jealousy but it’s ok because that’s what girl 1 wanted her bestie to feel so she can at least die knowing her life was better than her Bestest Fucking Friend’s.

I’m sorry but y’all can’t even drive yet! Was the ring from a cereal box? Out of one of those machines where you put in a twoonie, twist the dial and out pops a plastic bubble containing what I’m sure is a quality ring that appropriately conveys the love shared by these two soulmates?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

Your problems are trivial. You have no idea what a real problem is. Shouldn’t you be studying?! (I don’t care that it’s August.)

I’ve never felt more adult in my life. It’s not a good feeling. I’m going to go shower. With beer.

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Liquor and Life

You know, I never understood alcoholism nor why someone would want to hide at the bottom of a bottle. It’s not like your problems go away. They’re there, and likely worse, when you’re sober again (or at least less drunk). I mean, if I want to escape my problems I’m not just going to hide from them, I’m going to run the fuck away from those bastards. To a different country. Where I’l live under an assumed name. And wear shirts that say “Fuck this shit!” and “Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing.” (Alright so it’s not much different than my current life but theoretically Foreign Country Megan has less problems and spends the majority of her time on a beach.)

That said, I think I should live my life slightly buzzed.

Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why.

  1. I’m nicer
  2. It feels less like the world is crashing down around me
  3. I feel calmer
  4. It’s easier to make small talk
  5. I almost want to make small talk
  6. I care less about the judgement and censure of others
  7. I’m friendlier
  8. I have less of a filter

So, ya, I think I’ll carry a flask with me from now on and maintain just a bit of a buzz. I’m not just doing it for me, I’m doing it for the good of everyone – well, everyone that comes into contact with me.

Life advise from Megan. No one should ever follow this.

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This post brought to you by the Bailey’s in my lunchtime coffee.